Funny word, "smart". Smart bombs. Smart pills. Smarty pants. Smartarse. The verb-form is interesting as well. I make these points in a rather defensive way, I suppose, anticipating that the three smartphones sitting in front of me will almost certainly be smarter than me. I'm also the world's worst person to be testing new mobiles or PDAs, not just because of their confounded smartness, but because I live in a valley in the shadow of a hill under a rather enormous area of unpopulated upland, where there isn't so much as a squeak of signal. Several years ago, when I signed a contract with my service provider, the man in the shop tapped my postcode into his laptop, studied his colour-coded map of West Yorkshire and assured me that the signal in my neighbourhood was "lush". So, thinking that I'm about to spend most of the next few days wrestling with instruction manuals and sitting in the car in a layby on Saddleworth Moor waiting for a flicker of reception, it's with a forlorn heart that I begin to assemble and charge these new gizmos.
The BlackBerry Pearl 8120 (from free on contract, Carphone Warehouse, carphonewarehouse.com) is a lovely thing. It seems proper. It has weight and structure. Contains metal. Not just made, but built, like a Corgi car. I've never used a BlackBerry; I know that important people like them, and their spouses don't. And almost instantly I can understand the seduction. Once a nice lady called Claire at gadgets HQ has told me how to register, I power up and, hey presto, all my emails are ready and waiting in the in-box. I don't even have to lean out of the skylight to get a signal. It's also interesting that after a few hours I'm pretty conversant with the operating system, even though I haven't once consulted the online guide. I particularly like the trackball. It's like a miniature roll-on antiperspirant. Every time I use it, I expect my thumb to become lightly moistened and deodorised. The one thing I can't get to grips with, though, is the wave-shaped qwerty keyboard. Through laziness rather than loyalty, I've been a Nokia user pretty much from the outset, and I've got used to the layout. So it's probably a case of old dogs and new tricks, because even after a couple of days I still haven't been able to reprogramme my fingers. On one occasion it takes me more than a minute to find the letter J. But I do like the BlackBerry. Already it's my pet. My precious. "Can I keep it, please, Claire?" I say. "Of course not," she says. I guess she's got my best interests at heart.
I've never got on with the Palm Centro (£199, eurostore.palm.com). I had a Palm Tungsten personal organiser once, and had to learn Egyptian hieroglyphics (or that's how it felt) before I could input data, and the battery used to run down even when it was turned off. If I strayed too far from the National Grid I couldn't tell you what I was doing next Tuesday. Things have moved on since then, but I still struggle with this make of device. The keyboard is clear but very small, and I seem to be missing some essential portion of my thumbnail to press the letters (how about supplying the telephone number of a local manicurist with each unit?). Using the stylus is like eating a pomegranate with a needle and, to be honest, if I'd wanted to write, I'd have bought a pen and paper. And while it may seem mundane to bang on about the basic features of these gadgets, immediacy is everything, because their higher functions are beyond question. They're all equally excellent, give or take.
The same holds true for the HTC Touch Cruise, by far the most futuristic looking of the three (£374.99 sim free, or free on contract from several operators; amazon.com). It's black, comes in a black box and slips into a black velvet bag. It could be the culminating moment in the concluding episode of Lost. "Cruise" refers to navigational rather than nefarious activities here, with TomTom installed on its home page. So, treating it according to its looks, I download the voice of Darth Vader on to the satnav and set off over the hill in search of a signal. Towards the dark side.
· Stephen Fry will return in July.
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